Ever heard of “Madonna-Whore Complex” ?! It is used to describe the condition where the men cannot have sexual desire towards the woman they have respect for (represented by “Madonna”) and have sexual desire for the woman who they don’t have respect for (represented by “Whore”). In the words of Sigmund Freud, “where such men love, they have no desire, and where they desire they cannot love.”
Psychologists say that this complex is quite prevalent, so I feel it’s best to address this as a trait rather than seeing it as a disorder that some unfortunate people have! In fact, I don’t see it as a disorder at all! I see this as a way life is encouraging us, both males and females, to look into something fundamental. Not just related to sexuality, but about how we perceive, experience and approach all aspects of life, including leadership.
Fundamentals of relationships and eroticism:
For a very long period in my life, I felt that the institution of marriage is very unfair! For your entire life, you have just one person! How pathetic, right! But gradually I began to understand the significance it – that a committed relationship such as marriage can help the progress and evolvement of individuals, family, and society at large. But the question still remains – isn’t it too boring to have one single partner for the entire life?!
One of the best books that I came across on this topic is: Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, and the tagline of the book goes as CAN WE DESIRE WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE? One of the key points that Esther presents in the book is that we all have a need for security and comfort, and marriages have largely been oriented towards meeting that need. But there is also a need for surprise and adventure, which many married couples don’t pay attention to! While focusing on the need for security helps build a stable life, focusing on the need for mystery helps bring the juice into it!
In a way, what Esther is saying is to bring both the “Madonna” component and “Whore” component into your relationship! I encourage you to watch her Ted Talk The secret to desire in a long-term relationship to gain further understanding about this. And in her another amazing Ted Talk Rethinking infidelity … a talk for anyone who has ever loved, she says these words, which I think represents the core of what we are discussing here:
“…when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person we ourselves have become. And it isn’t so much that we are looking for an other person, as much as we are looking for an other self.”
“…I’ve also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one-tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me.”
Applying this stuff to leadership!
Our above discussion about “Madonna-Whore” is essentially about getting in touch, harmonizing, and aligning the different forces within us. This is very much relevant to leadership also. There are many apparently contradictory aspects, that are involved in leadership:
Right-brain thinking || Left-brain thinking
Masculine approach || Feminine approach
Long-term strategy || Short-term strategy
Being strong || Being subtle
Being committed || Being playful
. . . . . when all these yin and yang aspects within us are aligned in a proper way – they become complementary forces and something beautiful happens. We become Congruent Leaders!
Here is a checklist ( or better: Call For Action) for your Congruent Leadership :
- Are you seeing discipline as an unnecessary and unfair thing? Something that is coming in the way of your “freedom”? Then perhaps you need to understand that beauty of life is not as much as in the breadth of experience as in the depth of experience! If you want to experience the profoundness and the miracles that life is offering, you need to be a minimalist and go deeper, rather than waste your time and energy on just touching many things just on the surface. That journey involves and leads to real freedom & true mastery. And discipline enables you to make that journey.
- Are you forcing yourself to be in a certain way just because the world expects you to be so? Do you feel out-of-touch with your authentic self? Start listening to your inner voice – the intelligence within – and let that guide your steps. At the same time, make sure to use the feedback that the world is giving you. Let the feedback enhance your intelligence – not stop it from expressing itself!
- Are you being too dominant in your leadership role? Then maybe you need to develop the playful and subtler side of you! Try singing, dancing, art, poetry, etc that are not utilitarian but are helpful in loosening up your rigidity!
All the very best!